It's a good thing you're cute

Some Facts:

~ Puppies, like babies, do not sleep through the night. They cry at various hours, wanting something like being taken out to go pee.

~ Unlike babies, puppies are used to sleeping with other puppies. Of course babies don't arrive in your home expecting to sleep with puppies, that would just be silly! I didn't think I would actually have to explain that one to you! ..... Puppies are NOT thrilled to suddenly be forced to sleep ALONE in a crate at night. Babies are kinda cool with a crib. It isn't wise to try to put a puppy in a crib or a baby in a crate.

~ Big puppies make big noises. Happy, sad, mean, whatever. The noises are big.

~ If you're trying to sleep & the puppy is making loud noises, it is actually impossible to stuff a pillow between your ears like they do in cartoons. Can't do it with one pillow, much less two.

~ After taking the pup out at 5 am, you realize you can do one of two things: put him back in the crate, let him wail & wake the kids up (who will then be wide awake at 5 am) OR put him in bed with you & hope he goes to sleep.

~ Puppies, again like babies, are used to nursing and have an innate ability to seek out a teat.

~ Being suddenly awoken by sharp little puppy teeth biting your boob is NOT the best way to start your day.

~ The puppy biting your husbands tit next IS funny and helps heal your own wounds much quicker.

~ Stocking up on treats, chew toys, and pig ears before you even get the puppy is a wise idea. A puppy that is ready to chew everything at 5 am seriously needs alternatives to your 1/2 asleep limbs.

~ A puppy that randomly sticks out his tongue at things is too cute & funny to stay mad at for very long. Puppy breath, wrinkly head, and overall cuteness help a lot too. These things prove especially beneficial when one is running on very little sleep and has bite marks on their boobs.

Meet Foster

Because sometimes life isn't crazy enough. In fact, I find that when life seems to crazy, adding a little bit more crazy to the pile seems to balance it all out perfectly.

This is Foster. He's 7 weeks old and weighs in at 17 lbs. He is a very big lump. Except when you go on curvy roads. He whines about being rolled around in the crate and his sleep disrupted. Or when you don't let him play in the pond which he discovered today. He went a little berserk - a toddler trying to demand his way is THE way in the world and not being happy when he finds out that isn't the case. Pretty much par for the course for a pup. But a VERY big lump.

Justin and I took a drive down to Kentucky this past weekend to get Foster. He had been living the life on a 100 acre farm. Mom & Pop were there. Mom (aka - Baby Doll) is a tiny 130 lb. fawn mastiff. Pop (aka - Samson, aka - Sam) is a 180 lb. apricot mastiff ~ very tall, but still small on the weight end of things.

This is Baby Doll. She's a little over 3 years old, is AKC & CKC registered, weighs 130 lbs., and seems kinda tiny for a mastiff. She earns her name well though, she was unbelievably sweet and gentle. She came right up to us and said hi, happy to meet new friends and get petted. This was her 3rd, and likely last, litter of pups.

This is Samson, aka Sam. It was harder to get a clear shot of him, as he was very excited that there were new friends to be made and played with. Mr. Imes, the gentleman we got Foster from, had pig ears in his pockets for Sam & Baby Doll. Sam could smell them. New people to meet, pigs ears to eat ... who has time to stop and pose for photos??? Sam is also 3 years old, a little younger than Baby Doll. He is CKC registered and weighs in at 180 lbs. His height was much more impressive than his weight though. As you can see in the photo, he comes up to hip-height on us. And we're both almost 6' tall.

We went down to Kentucky on Saturday, stopping in Nashville to visit a brewery and a brew pub (check out http://www.soulonebrewery.blogspot.com/ for reviews!). After checking into the hotel we headed over to see the pups. Sunday morning we went back to pay the man, get Foster & head on home. We were well prepared with a collar & tag already made (Walmart in Kentucky on a Saturday night, folks), a leash we brought down, food, toys, blankets, and etc.
It was 9 hours each way. We were prepared for a long drive home, stopping often to let the pup out to potty. Turned out the lump slept most of the way. We stopped to wake him up to potty and try to entice him to eat some. Getting home was much quicker than getting down there.

For the fun record: On the way down there on Saturday, we spent 2 hours driving through VA before we hit TN. We saw 9 cops and one 50' tall cross. Driving through TN we saw one cop as we went through Knoxville. In Kentucky, on Saturday, we saw 0 cops. Sunday morning we saw the only cop we would see in Kentucky, and he was stopped at a car wash, washing the cruiser. We DID see 2 live turtles by the side of the road though (and one big dead one). It's odd, coming from VA, when you see more turtles than cops sitting by the side of the road.

Although Whiskey & Foster got off to a little bit of a rough start (he wasn't too wild about meeting her), within an hour or so they were cool. Here they are, out walking in the yard. Whiskey turned 10 in February, is starting to show signs of dementia, and weighs about 50 lbs. Mostly this photo was taken just so we could remember that Foster was once tinier than Whiskey.

The boys weren't told that we were getting a new pup. They spent the weekend with Grandma & Grandpa while Mommy & Daddy went out of town. I wish I could've captured their faces when we walked inside with Foster in our arms. They are in love. Tristan kept saying "he's cute!" This is a sigh of relief since Tristan is often wary of new dogs.

As usual, we had spent a lot of time reading everything we could about English Mastiffs before getting the pup. It surprises me how many people have reacted with"do you know how big he'll get?!?" as if we wouldn't know that he is going to be a big dog. Yes, we know. Male Mastiffs can weigh up to 200 lbs, and it isn't shocking when they weigh more than that.
They're also VERY gentle breeds. They're known as 'Gentle Giants.' They LOVE children (and not as snacks!). They are guard dogs, but they use their sheer size as intimidation, and are more likely to block an intruder or pin them down than to bite. They rarely bark, only when they think there might be an intruder or other need to, and are actually known as being good dogs for people who live in apartments. Really people, not all big dogs are CUJO.

Also for the record, for anyone curious, just how did we come up with the name "Foster"? We have Whiskey, named not for the drink but for the song 'Whiskey in the Jar'; and we had Jomo, named 'Jomo Lager' after the beer from Starr Hill Brewery in VA. So why "Foster"?? Couple reasons.
1) Bud Foster. -- We're big Hokie fans here. Bud Foster is the defensive coordinator for Virginia Tech. Our defense tends to kick ass. Bud Foster is the man.
2) English Mastiff are good guard dogs, making them good defense. Bud Foster = Good Defense. English Mastiff = Good Defense.
3) Foster is "Australian for BEER." -- Ok, I'm not really a fan of the beer, but it is a beer. And yea, so is Bud. (At least in theory -- please remember we are beer snobs and I wouldn't drink Budweiser if you paid me).
So there ya go. Foster it is. He will be in need of Hokie duds by the time football season rolls around. The Campus Emporium welcomes you bringing your dog in there to try on things, and since I didn't see a "MASTIFF" size in their selection, I think we'll have to do that.

If you'd like to see more photos from our trip to Kentucky, please click here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/funkymamataney/sets/72157624050524157/

The Bitch Has An Idea

One thing I get a little obsessive about (I know, I know, just one thing? ha!) is decorating magazines and crap like that. Ok, most people don't likely phrase an obsession "crap like that" but it's me we're talking about so you are not shocked.

I was reading on Natural Home about creating an outdoor oasis. Don't you just love that idea? Doesn't it immediately conjure up wonderful images? Hot tubs, sparkling pools, gorgeous tile work, natural stone that is also a cool waterfall, perfect plants, lounges, throw pillows, and of course the cute couple we think we are in our heads, complete with 6 pack abs (for both of us), bikini-hot bod for me, and sexy accent for him.

........... mmmmmmmm ...........

What was I talking about?

Oh yea. So, I was reading this and looking at all the really neat things they've done around the country. All green of course. All fabulous. All created via hiring an architect.

Well, fucking DUH!!! Of course we could ALL have an outdoor oasis if we wanted to shell out the insane amount of money it would cost to hire an architect to magically turn our ideas into his dream into our reality.
Didn't I already put a toe into this pool once? Isn't that when Structures in Roanoke was willing to gut my kitchen for nearly 10 times the price of my current contractor?? And that was without the ideas. Sorry to be crass, but my sphincter begins to hurt when I think about how much more it would've cost to get the ultra-groovy designer with ideas!

And that is what really pisses me off about these magazines. If someone did it themselves it is likely because they already ARE architects, or designers, or master gardeners, or fucking someone who is.
When is there an article centered around 'The bitch had an idea.'??? Maybe that wouldn't sell. Maybe we need pearls and heels and perfectly coiffed hair. But then would that be real? Seriously .. who in their right minds has an ALL WHITE kitchen, and yes bleached wood does count here, when they have 5 boys?? That snazzy little alcove for sports equipment, perfectly color-coded and labeled is such utter bullshit.

It just ain't real. And obviously I am even less perky and rainbow-kitty-fluff than usual today. Today I was trying to navigate through what was once our dining room & is now a cluttered mess and bumped into a chair. Wouldn't be bad except the chair was holding our antique, cast iron, Lomax lamp. All I heard was the shattering of glass.
It was supposed to have been hung back up on Monday, but the fucking electrician didn't show. Too busy at another job. So it was supposed to be done on Tuesday. Then Wednesday. By the time he got his ass over here on Thursday there were other things he HAD to work on.
So yea, my butt bumped the chair & caused it to fall, but his ass should've had it hung up properly several times over this week. (By the way, in case you're interested in who NOT to call, here is the guy's name -- RON STEVENS. He works in the Salem/Roanoke VA area. DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME OR MONEY!)

To replace the entire lamp with a replica would cost $400 + shipping. To get just the glass parts would be closer to $200 + shipping.
But now I am thinking do I want to replace it? Is this a sign to go in a different direction? I've been looking at some Mexican Star Lights and I really like them. I've always been drawn to lighting like that, so maybe this is a sign?
And then we're (because I've talked with Justin about this) thinking: do we hang it there though, or do we want to do this somewhere else??

And this is what brings me back to being irked at these stupid magazines. These magazines that make it look so fucking easy, but if you're actually thinking for yourself and making the decisions for yourself, it is anything but.

Maybe I'll start my own damn magazine. I'll call it "The Bitch Has An Idea Y'all"

My boys

Some days you're just really proud to be a parent. Too many days are filled with anxiety, most of it self-induced. Fears that you're not doing whatever you ought to be doing to ensure that your child/children will be all that you hope for them.
So, indulge me if you will in this moment of bragging. Here are some recent things that have made me sigh with relief and know that life is good.

*This was Shannon's first official year of homeschool, and boy did we take the unschooling route. Some days he did lessons out of workbooks, but mostly he did his own thing. And how did that go??


1) He can read surprisingly well (no more sneaking stuff past him with ease). Without any days spent studying in a classroom, without any memorization, the bugger can read. He's also doing pretty darn good when it comes to spelling and writing.
2) He's learning bits of both Spanish & Russian. Spanish from PBS shows and all other media that is shoving Spanish down our throats. Russian because I'm sick of having Spanish shoved down our throats. Neither he or Tristan say the following words in English: Please, Thank You, You're Welcome, or Excuse Me.
3) He's learning responsibility. He now feeds & gives water to the rabbit. He walks Foster on a leash when he needs to go out. We've bought him some eco-friendly cleaning cloths so he can clean the windows as he sees fit. He dust-busts.



There are just those moments when you're really proud with the way your kids are turning out. Like, when we were at the beach and Shannon was playing with another kid in the sand. Shannon's "check this out" moment was showing the other kid 'Tree Pose' in yoga.

Or, when people ask them who their favorite cartoon character is and rattle off several currently popular ones, my kids stare back at them with a blank expression. They have no clue who most of those characters are. The cartoons they watch are older than I am. (Though they do get to see a few movies on DVD here and there)

Or, when one of them gets all bent out of shape because a light got left on and electricity is being wasted. Or they check the bottoms of plastic containers to see if they can be recycled. AND they both demand to go to the recycling center & help toss stuff in the bins!!!

They're both learning to swim without any real formal teaching. We may enroll Shannon in a class at the Y, but we may not. I haven't decided yet. Tristan is finally willing (though not every time) to put his head under water, that's a huge step for him.



They're both kind to other kids. They don't mock them, they don't make fun. They don't try to exclude anyone (except maybe each other). They think their friends can and are people of any age. They are just as comfortable talking to adults as they are kids.



They are open and honest. Shannon will bust your balls in two seconds with his honesty. I've come to admire that, though we're also having to teach him to not always do so. Like at the restaurant when the food is taking too long.


Also, in a stroke of semi-geniusness, I've gotten them trained to an alarm. I set two during the day. One goes off at 10:45 am and it means it is time to clean up toys for lunch (yea, they eat an early lunch). The other is for 5:21 pm. Justin gets home between 5:21 & 5:30. That alarm means Daddy is about home & it is time to clean up for dinner.

When they here the alarm they both know to immediately stop what they're doing and begin cleaning up. AND THEY DO!! Even when we were at the beach! Actually, even when we were in the car they knew what it meant and didn't question it. They just pointed out that their toys were already packed away, so the work was already done!



These are my boys. And I couldn't be more in love with them or more proud of them.

Yea ...

I was trying to think of a good title for this one and couldn't. I did think of a good photo for it, but you'll be grateful I spared you ---- don't worry, that will make sense in just a minute.

So we all know we're currently living in absolute "where the hell is ___" renovation clutter. Another fact of renovation clutter: it is harder to walk through your house in the dark without walking into things & cussing loudly. Much Harder. And then your spouse tries to say you've really just had too much to drink, but you're pretty certain you don't actually own a shop-vac, so how could you expect one to be sitting in the middle of the hallway (ok, maybe I wasn't walking SO straight a line officer)?

We also all know I am not your fluffy-kitty-fuzzy-rainbow-butterfly kinda gal. I think Justin smells the best when he smells of burning wood (tsk - you perverts, not that kind of burning wood!! bbq, campfires, THAT type!) or garlic. Seriously, he needn't buy cologne (which is good since he doesn't), he just has to rub garlic all over himself.
I also find humor in being gross. At least sometimes. Yes, farts are funny. Except when they're not. Other than that, they're funny.

Trust me this is all leading somewhere. And it may not be anywhere you want to see/read so consider yourself forewarned. But if you've read this blog before you're already pretty damn demented.

SO -- I had minor mouth surgery about 2 weeks ago. Quick recap - I had to have my tongue clipped when I was very little because it was connected too close up. Roughly 18 years later I had my tongue pierced. Fast forward another 14 years & there is now a receded cleft of sorts behind my two front lower teeth caused in part by the tongue ring and in part because there was little there to protect the area in the first place. So .. mouth surgery it was.
They used cadaver tissue. Have I told you all this? I think I have. Anyway, Frankenstein jokes abound. Grossing Justin out has been the highlight of this whole damn experience. I now offer to do all the things husbands want their wives to do .... ok ... well, ONE of the things. His look of horror and disgust leaves me rolling on the floor laughing. I think I may be off the hook for that for a WHILE.

But the thing is, the tissue is getting loose. I can fold it over. It is annoying as hell. I am very OCD. It is also starting to smell. Like, 'Night of the Living Dead' rotting flesh smell. At first it was minor, now it is full blown B horror movie smell. I am seeing the doc today (apparently this is normal). The only thing that has gotten me through to this part is 1) the smell makes my wait in lines a LOT shorter. And 2) grossing Justin out with endless details and views.

Which brings me almost to a point of this rambling little whatever. ??

So I get out of the shower the other morning and am air-drying (better for the skin!) in my bedroom. I spot the cell phone. Evil thoughts go racing through my head. I hold up the camera part of it trying to get photos. NO .. NOT NUDIE photos!!! Photos of my Frankenstein Rotting Zombie Mouth. ~ Seriously, you guys are perverts!
Here I am, trying to figure out how to take a perfectly disgusting picture to email to Justin at work and really mess with him. And I hear a "Hello..." ----- it was the contractor. (PS -- This is the photo that you're now very glad I didn't post)

Normally the kids are great warning bells when someone comes over. The day I'm sitting naked on my bed holding a camera at my mouth, they're quiet and have no intention of letting me know someone is here.

I quickly race into the 1/2 bath in our bedroom. He says "sorry" though I am not sure he saw me at all. At least I hope not. I am not sure really how to explain any of what he might have seen. I reach an arm around, slam the bedroom door shut and quickly get dressed. He was there to tell me he wouldn't actually be working in the house that day. Phone calls are seemingly impossible. Somewhere Karma is rolling on the floor --- I really think Justin has some mind control to keep me in my place when it comes to stuff like that.

There is my story. There is my weirdness. Most women like fuzzy rainbows and are more interested in sending sexy photos. I nearly get busted by the contractor trying to send pictures of the Zombie grossness that is my mouth to my husband. *C'est La Vie*

The Renovation Continues

It has been a long day. Actually, given the amount of days since my last post, it has been a series of long days. Clutter everywhere, piles that make me feel like I should be on the show "Hoarders," and a general sense of despair. The kids went with their grandparents this afternoon & I have spent the majority of the day asleep.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Here are some photos for now.

~ This is where the old shower stall was in the old back bathroom. I like how the floor looks like a weird tile pattern (it's really rotted wood)~

We've gotten lots of flack for getting rid of the bathroom since it knocks us down to one full bath & one 1/2 bath. But most people didn't even know the thing was there. It felt like going outside to go to the bathroom due to it's placement in the house.

~New Laundry Room!~

The floor is now real tile. The washing machine (on the left in the photo) is where the shower was. I will have better photos soon. The wall was fixed up, shelves have been added, and all my guys (aka - Justin, Shannon, & Tristan) took turns painting the room. I can't begin to express the joy I feel in having a laundry room!!

~The 1/2 bath in our room~

We decided to have the flooring redone in the 1/2 bath in our bedroom. Turned out that the toilet had started leaking, which is why you can see wet wood in the above photo. We ended up getting a new, efficient toilet that will more than pay for itself very quickly. We also got the "comfort height" style which is about an inch taller. Kinda snazzy, probably a perk later on.
The 1/2 bath had some REALLY cool flooring in it. I think I will have to dedicate an entire blog or something to it. Maybe I just spent too many drunk nights staring at it, but I swear Jim Henson (or whoever helped design the goblins in 'Labryinth') designed this floor. Funky little faces EVERYWHERE. I really kinda miss the old flooring, but it was time.

~The new 1/2 bath!~

Now with a new toilet and tile flooring. We also decided to go ahead and give the gal a new coat of paint. Haven't gotten to painting the trim yet, but I do have the paint (it's hiding behind the toilet if you look carefully). The trim work in the laundry room & 1/2 bath aren't done yet, but we're getting there.

~Oh Yea, there it is!~

No before photo, that was a couple of blogs ago -- aren't you following this??

So the new ceiling is almost completely in. The new lights are a couple of days behind on getting put in. They SHOULD go in tomorrow. But I love, love, LOVE the ceiling so far!! We chose the color Sedona Red for the stain, but, as you can tell it turned out a very Hokie Maroon color. What can I say .. we're Hokies!

The old floating laminate tile flooring came out today, along with the older vinyl flooring that was underneath that. The new stove is in, but is sitting in our front room, along with the vent for it and the new lighting & fans for the back hallway. And tomorrow promises to be a very full day with hopefully lots of advances. Wish me luck, or at least a sound night's sleep.

One of those days

A photo can't quite capture it properly. But it was one of those days. One of those 'no matter how hard you try, you still self-destruct' days.

I had minor mouth surgery last Tuesday. I had woken up not feeling quite well, noticing the lymph node on the left side of my neck to be swollen and my stomach was upset. To be honest, I haven't been well since Jomo's death. Anyway, the surgery was slightly better than having a cavity filled, if only because there was no sound of a drill to dry and drone out. Still not fun, but "better than getting a cavity" filled has to count for something, right? Plus, I since I was having a graft done, the doc used cadaver jokes. FRANKENSTEIN jokes will forever be funny. A mouth full of ... well, whatever they put on top of the graft and I was still making Dr. Frankenstein cracks to the doc!

It's gone downhill from there.

Within a day or so I lost my voice. Normally, people who have to live with me would count my silence as a blessing, but Justin knows better. Tuesday evening when I didn't think I could talk and remarked how happy he would be about that, he noted that it would STILL fail to shut me up. And he was right. Mouth surgery .. still talking. Lost my voice .. still talking.

I know, I know .. but it's Saturday now. Almost Sunday. Why the hell am I talking about earlier this week & complaining about one of those days?? It's called setting the mood .. so go away if you don't like it.
I didn't mean that. Just shut yer trap and read, ok?

All week I've been a little down. Lack of voice, neck hurting from swollen lymph node, gnarly hacking cough. Oh yea .. I'm bringing sexy back muthafucka!!

Southwest VA has also been hotter than usual. And the hole in the ceiling of our kitchen is keeping the kitchen about 20 degrees hotter by mid-day, than the rest of the house. Today was no exception.

I decided to try and doll it up (a sure sign of doom I'm learning) today. My favorite long skirt, a cute green tee. Left my hair down for a while because it was looking cute. Sacrificing comfort for looking cute is a sure sign of femininity, right??? (Another sure sign of impending doom when I'm trying that avenue).

We ran by the Co-op, I didn't over spend. So far so good, and I'm still looking relatively cute. Or at least as cute as I can tell from the pollen-covered reflection of my car window.
Off to a friend's Plant Sale/Yard Sale. It was insanely cool and hip, just like she is. I'm envious. I spent more money than I ever had at a yard sale, but walked away with a good amount of goodies.
Then to Wine Gourmet so Justin could spend the gift card he got for his birthday. Got a call while I was there from Mom. My 91 year old grandfather had been in the hospital and was trying to reach me & her. Hung up near tears, wanting to run. Got snappy with Justin for taking to long to browse over beers when I thought Dandaddy needed me. Got snappy with the kids for being kids around LOTS of glass bottles. Wanted to leave NOW. --- Turns out one of Dandaddy's friends had to go to the ER. Dandaddy followed him in the guy's car & needed a ride home, hence all the phone calls. Here's his idea of a message (to my mom): Marje, I'm in the hospital with Harry. I'll try to call Carrie. *CLICK* --- Thanks Dandaddy for the heart-attack. Glad you're ok. Gonna shoot you as soon as I recover from this nervous breakdown.

We get home, I try laying down, feeling awful on many different levels. All ideas of cuteness are lost and I am not feeling so cute anymore. Quite the opposite.
Kids have haircuts this afternoon. Whole family arrives for it -- it's a shocking event when my kids get haircuts. Grandma and Grandpa take the kids out for icees (or something like that) after the photos and Justin & I run by Lowe's for a looksy for laundry room storage.
Get home, still just wanting to lay down.

Mom & Barry arrive. I get up and show her all the work that's been going on. We're looking at the "new" laundry room and I manage to run my arm into the handle of the ice maker in the back hallway. Lots of cussing. I tell Mom what a bad day I'm having, how I just don't feel good. She reaches her arm out to hug me and says "I know, I can tell you're feeling ugly." -- UGLY!! She immediately retracted it. She meant to say bad. I'm laughing -- there is just nothing to make a gal feel better like saying THAT. ----- PERFECT.

They leave, I go back to bed. Justin feeds the kids, I get up before they go to bed. He gets drive-thru for us. I feel like crud, but eat it anyway. I end up accidentally biting the hell out of my tongue .. it's bleeding. Go figure. My fish sandwich oozes a big glob of tartar sauce onto my skirt. Oh well ... any ideas of cuteness have long since vanished.

Now I'm drinking. And the stupid rum has turned to slush. At least I didn't spill it all over myself. It DID drip condensation all over me. Need to get a proper Tervis Tumbler for Summer. But I didn't spill it on me. Perhaps there is SOME hope.