Friday, September 24, 2010

Trying Times

Yes, we're still working our way through a hell-ish renovation. Suing a contractor who is sleazy but, since he's been sued by everyone and their sister, knows the legal system. A true snake. This Summer has been hell, and just when I thought I couldn't take anymore ... I had to.

My uncle died on August 30th. I wasn't terribly close to my uncle, though he reminds me too much of my grandfather, whom I am utterly dedicated to. My uncle died of Alzheimer's. So did my grandmother. Same side of the family. Losing him was like losing her all over again. Torture and pain and unbearable. Knowing that my grandfather has now buried two wives AND his first born son was even worse. I've seen what happens to a parent who loses a child. I've watched them age before my eyes.

Less than 3 weeks later I would learn that my own mother has cancer. My mother and I talk everyday. I often call her before I even get the boys' their breakfast, or while they're eating they're breakfast. As cheesy as it may sound, she is my best friend, aside from my husband.

You're "supposed to" have a colonoscopy when you turn 50. Mom put that off. I don't blame her. I'm not one to believe in these "supposed to"s either. Though I doubt that was her logic and reasoning. She finally had one. The results weren't good. A 2" polyp. Later acknowledged as a tumor.

I wasn't sure how to handle this. Be positive. Remain optimistic. One of my brothers is very sensitive. Have to be strong for him. Be there for my mother. And my kids. My kids who don't know, and we weren't telling. How old would they need to be before they remembered someone who loved them so much and someone they absolutely adored? I have heard stories of relatives that I apparently loved, but that I have no memory of.

Mom had a CT Scan this past Wednesday. Results wouldn't be available till meeting with the doc on Thursday. I took the kids to the Y on Wednesday with all intentions of working out while Shannon was in his homeschool gym class and Tristan was enjoying the child care. Instead of working out I spent the hour knitting, listening to music, and crying. Luckily, I had knit myself a nice cotton tissue. It came in handy.

The good news. Mom's CT Scan showed that the tumor hadn't spread. That is REALLY good news. REALLY good. She'll start radiation and chemo, at the same time, and there is a 90% chance they'll get it all.

I don't want to think of the other side of things. Trying to focus on the positive. Which is better than anything else.

We're members of our local brewer's guild. Last month's meeting was 2 days before my uncle died. We knew it would be any day. I walked into the meeting, people said "hi" to me, and I turned around and walked out. Luckily, the meeting took place on the lake and I was able to excuse my absence. I told them I was "Zen-ing with the lake" and surroundings while listening to music. Then I wore sunglasses for the rest of the meeting so my eyes wouldn't give me away.
Tomorrow we have our next monthly meeting of the brewer's guild. I've been dreading a repeat of last month. Though, since CT Scans have come back positive I am hoping that I won't break down into tears.

I'm the kind of chick who would rather punch you than admit to breaking down into tears. But here I am, bearing my soul and worries to an online journal. Why? I don't know. I just need it out. I need to get it out. But I'll wear my sunglasses and bring my music with me .. just in cases.


mikroenjeksiyon said...

Was a beautiful page. Thanks to the designers and managers.

Kathleen said...

Just found your blog about your Mom. Cry when you need to. Crying is cleansing. Then, focus on your positives, as you seem to be doing. Write your a journal, even if it's an online one. It'll get them all out and at some later time, you may want to revisit them. By doing it online, you've also given others the opportunity to know that they aren't alone, in similar situations. People like to know that they aren't alone, and also how others have made it through, even if they've had moments of complete crumbling along the way.
Hang on. You WILL get through whatever life brings. ((((HUGS))))