Twilight Zone

*PRE-BLOG WARNING: This post contains some political opinions and cussing. Proceed at your own caution*

Facebook is a funny beast. You can find old friends, re-ignite long dead relationships, and meet new friends. You can also meet some really interesting people. This is one such story.

I had sent a friend request to someone I had known in high school, for privacy sake let's call him "DA". We had several similar friends (including a family member). He accepted my request. But, last night he sent me a message on facebook asking who I was and how I knew him. I told him we went to school together. DA replied that he didn't keep up with the past. I mentioned how I had seen him not to long ago, out and about. Then I went and looked at his page. His profile picture was in costume, but when I looked at his other photos I realized I didn't know him. I knew someone else with the same name. I laughed and told him of my error, apologizing and telling him I would remove him as a friend since we didn't know each other. He told me that I didn't have to and started chatting with me. We chatted till I had to leave for dinner.

Today I posted this status: Another tray of seeds are in the greenhouse! Heirloom banana peppers, miniature chocolate bell peppers, habanero peppers, basil, melons, and various varieties of heirloom tomatoes!! :)

This is now where we begin to enter the Twilight Zone.

DA sends me a private message a couple minutes after I post that, with the subject line being "LOL". Here is a copy of the messages back and forth between us, which I have NOT edited AT ALL:

DA: I can get that stuff at subway and not worry about taking the time to plant that shit

Me: Yea, but that shit you get is grown in & covered with chemicals. Our stuff is grown organically, enriches our soil, provides habitats & food for wildlife (bees, etc), nourishes our bodies and soul and etc, etc, etc. So there. ;P hee hee

DA: you probably voted for obama... didnt you!

Me: Ah-yup. :D

DA: his ass is out here soon, a bush will be back soon, thank god, I hope all you liberal mf love the change

Me: Hahaha, I take it you don't give a damn about politics, do you? :)

DA: i give a damn, thats mf goes on and does his bullshit thing, hes a nig in the office that has spent more money and doesnt to a mf thing

Me: Compared to Bush who did SO much good?? Or compared to the mind-numbing idiocy of Palin? Or compared to soo many things several Republicans are now trying to push regarding women's rights??

DA: fk him and his 4 years, so glad that son of a bitch is out soon
DA: its always something but republicans and myself dont have shit, oh and by the way I am a fan of sarah, she is down to earth, good hearted women

Me: Dude, you're completely entitled to your opinion. I don't care if you're a Republican. I don't vote by party and don't consider myself aligned with any party. I've voted for both sides. Frankly, I think most people in power are all the same, regardless of party. But, do me a favor will ya, if you're going to cuss then cuss. At least have the balls to type it out properly. I won't offend. ;)

DA: I dont have a problem about cussing

Me: you just can't type it? :)

DA: yeah I can and how do you like those fucking gas prices now obama... get what you vote for and the goddamn health care, nice vote i tell ya

Me: Umm .. I'm guessing you've forgotten 2008 when gas prices hit bottom. Ole GW was still in charge then. Regarding health care, our system has been fucked up for a LONG time. But, then again, I don't care for Western medicine. And, again, look at what a lot of Republicans are pushing now regarding women's health care rights. And, just an fyi, if the Democrats were pushing such atrocities, I would be just as outraged.

DA: your a hippy what else can I say
DA: maybe a tree hugger too??

Me: If you say so. But I DID attend the most recent Republican party meeting held in Salem.

DA: good for you

Me: Thank you. I was talking to them because they support my current cause. Habeeb and Ralph Smith were there. I talked before they did. I was even nice enough to wear my dreads pulled back in a ponytail. Didn't want to freak them out too much. :)

DA: ya think

Me: I think what?

DA: with your smoked up dreads.. Im sure it smelled nice

Me: My dreads smoked up?? There's an assumption! But I did smell nice. I always smell nice. Friggin' golden, dude.

DA: I can just tell by talking to you , Im not a dude you hippy, you take care, Iam done talking with you

Me: Later then, man. :)
Me: Wait, if you're not a dude then are you a chick?

This conversation lasted a little over an hour. I was laughing during it and I assumed he was too, given the randomness of it all and the fact that his original subject line had been "LOL." I figured when he said he was done talking with me that he was off to do something else. NOPE. He de-friended me!!! I was dumbfounded but not the least bit offended or hurt.

To me this is like walking up to someone you think you know, tapping them on the shoulder and saying hi, only to realize you're mistaken and don't know then. You apologize and try to excuse yourself, but they start chatting you up. So, you talk to them. Then, suddenly they start getting mad at you and storm off in a huff, leaving you wander if you really are drunk or high or something and the people with you "Wait, did you just see that?" because you begin to wonder if the whole thing was real or not.

Totally TWILIGHT ZONE. And worth the laugh that it has given me. I hope you can get a laugh out of it too. If not, I guess I'm sorry you read this far? :)

Tales of the Sleepy Husband

PROLOGUE

(warning: for those faint of ear or delicate in nature, you may not want to read these stories)

My darling husband has a very well-known reputation for passing out. Hard. This doesn't just occur when he's been drinking either, though it is true that the most notorious of tales to come to pass after a night of imbibing various concoctions.
We began our journey together as good friends. Immediately very close, Justin would often crash at my place 5 nights out of the week, either on the couch or in the second bedroom. Spending so much time with him allowed me to learn his mannerisms better than anyone else. It allowed my a chance to get to know how to deal with him when he passed out.

Lest you think I am by nature mean and evil, out to take advantage of a poor passed out fellow, let me give a little more detail. When Justin begins nodding off his eyes will close and his head will bob. He will suddenly jerk back to life and say something random with great emphasis. Which if you know Justin you will know is a sign of something as he is normally a quiet chap.
Once he is out, you can have your way with him.

When we were just friends the most I would ever do during these nodding off times was remove his keys from his pockets. We had a deal: if I could get his keys out of his pants pockets then he would admit he was too drunk to drive. *Safety First Y'all*

When we became a couple it became more of an issue to me to try and make sure he made it to bed. Why not let him just stay where he lay?? Well, he also had a little habit of getting up, wandering to another room, and .. well .. taking a piss. This is something that is rather humorous when you're not in a relationship with the person, but when you are and you are faced with having to clean up the mess .. well, a little bit of the humor tends to fade away. (In all fairness to him, it has been many years since he has done this, and it didn't happen all that often. But a couple times can still be a couple times too many)
He also was known to wake up and decide that he needed another drink or worse, that he was hungry. Bowls and plates of random foods would await me in the morning: ranch dip & veggies left out, cheese balls and chili, random Mexican-esque food concoctions (which sadly resemble what you might buy at most Mexican-esque restaurants), a pot of mac & cheese on the stove, or just noodles, cooked & forgotten about.
Getting him to bed was just much easier.
So, I would approach his passed-out ass and try to wake him to go to bed.

"Honey" I would nudge him gently.

No response.

"Justin, you've passed out, it's bed time." I would nudge him some more.

No response.

"JUSTIN!!!"

No response.

"JUSTIN, WAKE-UP DAMMIT!!!" I am yelling and shaking him.

No response.

I hold his nose shut. His mouth drops open .. he has out-smarted me. I give him a wet willy.




He wakes up and yells at me that he is NOT passed out.



And then promptly passes back out on the couch with the dog.

To wake him up, and I swear I really tried everything else first, I have to slap him as hard as I can across the face. I swear that this is the only way to get him to even BEGIN waking up enough to go to bed. I have witnesses to this fact. Several.

Once he gets to bed he often talks. Randomly. Very randomly. Back when we were just friends I walked out into the living room late one night/early one morning. He was passed out on the couch. I heard him giggling. And I mean school-girl giggling. In his sleep. Suddenly he said "pussy" and then began giggling like a little school-girl again, and then fell back into his deep slumber.

And so this is how the Tales of the Sleepy Husband have come to pass. When you see photos of him dick-faced (drawn on) know that rules apply: 1)he didn't go to bed, 2)I gave him warnings that he was falling asleep and needed to go to bed or else would be dick-faced, & 3)he didn't go to bed.
Mostly though these will be tales of the random things that come falling out of his mouth. I've taken to keeping a notebook and pen beside the bed for just these moments. Much to his dismay I've also taken to video taping some of these ... but for now I will likely be kind enough to not share those.

This will be an ongoing series of tales until someone pays me mightily to put them all together in a book.

Wonderfully Random Tristan

It really is amazing to see what distinct personalities your children have. Shannon came into this world like a ball of fire. Tristan has always been more mellow. Very mellow.

*When we would go through grocery stores Tristan, riding shot-gun in the cart, would throw his head back and look at the lights. He'd stare and say "whoa......." really drawn out. ~ It was funny. We never turn a lot of lights on at the house so we figured he was just impressed.



*When he was still learning to talk, Tristan's first full sentence was "I want a cracker." This eventually got shortened down to "I want crack." That's really funny until you have to go through a grocery store, trying to hold your head up and not die, with a toddler sobbing and screaming "I WANT CRACK!!"



*Sitting around the kitchen table one evening, I hear someone kicking the table. I look at Shannon and tell him to quit it. Shannon looks at Justin who then looks at Tristan. We're all now looking at Tristan, who is off in his own world yet all the while still kicking the table. I snap "TRISTAN!!" and he jumps and with a shock replies "What, I didn't pee!!"



*Both boys are musical but it is Tristan who remembers songs. Of course he doesn't always remember the correct lyrics. First it was Tom Waits. They love his song 'Big in Japan' & they call him/it the 'Silly Man Music.' I didn't think anything of it until, again in a grocery store, Tristan starts singing it, mimicking Tom Waits' voice quite well, and singing "Hey but I'm big in your pants, I'm big in your pants..."Then it was them walking in while I was listening to the Beastie Boys. Tristan walks of singing "NO .. SLEEP .. TILL BROCCOLI!!!" ~ I am seriously going to put that on a shirt!



*The other evening, a weekend evening, Justin ran an errand really quickly. It had been a holiday weekend so Justin had been home from work for several days before said weekend. Justin comes home from running the errand, walks through the door and is greeted by Tristan asking "Daddy, are you home from work now?"



*We used to get milk delivered, and the milkman still comes by every Monday morning to bring us cheese and other items of our choosing. He usually is here around 10:30am. That evening, around 5:30PM Justin's father stopped by to drop something off. He was only here a minute but he did make sure to say hi to the boys. Several minutes pass. Tristan walks to the front door and starts asking "Is the milkman here now??" Although he stated it clearly enough from the beginning, I am in disbelief and have to get him to repeat it. I reply "no" and Tristan just blankly says "oh" and walks off.