Lost & Broken ..

My world is shattered and broken
into a million little pieces.
Life still goes on
from day to day progressing
and yet
inside
I am lost.

There aren't many people I truly look up at and admire. I mean, truly from the depth of my being look up to with respect and admiration. My grandparents were among the people that I did look up to like that though.
On Monday February 7th my grandfather, Dandaddy, was found by his housekeeper. Sometime late Saturday night (the 5th) he had gotten up, gone into his bathroom, and killed himself. My mother called Justin who came home and broke the news to me. I rushed over to his house, where my Mom and other family members were, while Justin stayed at home and watched the kids.
I actually admire him for ending his life. My grandmother, Baba, died of Alzheimer's. It took her so many years before she finally died, many years where she just laid there a shell of her former self. My step-grandmother, Evelyn, died of cancer. Thankfully that went quickly. Then my Uncle Jimmy, the oldest of the siblings, passed away last Fall due to a form of dementia that (I think) developed into Alzheimer's. No man should have to bury so many loved ones. No man should have to bury his own child.
Dandaddy was lonely. He had lived a full life, come to terms with death and was ready to die. That much he said a couple years back and had repeated a couple times since. His body was beginning to fail him though his mind was sharp. I can't begin to image how awful it must be to come to that point where you are at peace with death but yet have to continue to live on for years as your body begins to fail you, yet your mind remains sharp.
So I admire him for the strength and courage he showed. I know he wasn't sad when he did it, I know he was likely angry at his body for failing him. I admire his courage to say "fuck it" and do what he did.
But to say I am lost is beyond words. I am lost without his smile. His hugs. The number one priority in his life was family and I am simply lost now.

Since his death things have headed downhill some. Justin's grandfather has leukemia. I don't know many details but I know he's in pain. And my heart breaks all over again.

There are other things too, but suddenly it feels inappropriate to write about them here. As much as they hurt me, to compare them to family is nonsensical.

My mind is full of questions
and my heart is full of pain.
I am not certain where my path is headed
or even where my next step is.
Broken and lost I will carry on
until ...

Until when?
When the path becomes clear once again?
When the fog lifts?
When the happiness of today
replaces the sorry of yesterday?
When a Spirit comes to guide me through
the briars and thorns and
back to the meadow?

I don't know.
Maybe just UNTIL.

Broken hearts, broken future ..

Look into those eyes. Into those deep blue eyes on each of my boys. Tell me if you could tell them the awful truth and watch the crushing weight of reality break their hearts and hopes.

And, that is exactly what I did today. I'm a horrible, awful, cruel and honest mother. I had gotten the newest post from All Natural Me today: http://allnaturalme.com/blog/2009/03/23/plastic-in-our-oceans/ & was watching the video on it. Shannon came in the room, as did Tristan, and began watching it with me. Watch the video, you'll be glad you did.
We watched about how plastics are polluting our oceans, watched as they showed the insides of animals that had eaten plastics, saw that those poor creatures were more plastic inside than animal. We saw kids floating (you couldn't really call it swimming or playing) in ocean water that looked like a liquid trash-can. I talked to Shannon about going to the beach, and asked him if he could imagine trying to swim and play at a beach like that. I saw sadness sweep over his sweet little face. He was crushed.
Then I held up the lids to the plastic milk jugs (we do get raw milk, but it comes in plastic jugs now, and we put it into glass jars) & told him how we can't recycle the lids of the jugs. I asked him if he knew where trash goes after it is picked up. He said "no". I told him how they take it, they dig a big hole in the ground, and they put the trash in there, and how that is called a landfill. The sadness swept over his face again, and he looked like he might bust into tears.
He began talking about recycling, about how we could "do this" instead, like he was frantically trying to find an answer to the horrors of what I had just told him.
We're pretty honest about being Earth Friendly with our kids. We tell them what things are bad, and encourage them to do good things. They're pretty smart kids. But, I have to admit that how much he seemed to "get" from what I was saying shocked me. The way he reacted shocked me and made me feel so sad. We always hear how we're ruining the world, or need to save it, for future generations ... really, what happened in our kitchen this afternoon should be made into a commercial. It would break your heart and turn everyone into a committed activist.
I couldn't bear to let him feel the weight and responsibility of it all. I was still holding the lids of the jugs, and I told him to look. I bent over and picked up the three now crushed milk jugs out of the recycling bin. I held them in one hand, their lids in the other. I told him how, because WE RECYCLE, these milk jugs won't go into the ground, they won't be trash, they'll be recycled. Yes, the lids will go in the trash, and that is sad, but look how much we've kept from going into the garbage can. His face lightened.
Then, I went and picked up the glass yogurt cups that go to the yogurt maker a friend recently gave us. I clinked them with my rings, and showed the boys how they were made of glass. I told them how Vicki had given them to us, and how she had used them for her kids, which meant the whole thing was as old as me ... and that must be pretty old, huh?? This made them laugh, and I told them "see, we're REUSING them", they won't go in the trash, and we won't need to buy new stuff. Spirits began lifting.

Finally, as I was folding the laundry, I held up something and asked Shannon what it was. He answered that it was a napkin. I pointed out that it used to be a wash-cloth, and this other one used to be just a rag, but now we use them for our daily kitchen rags and napkins (little boys can make some BIG messes!!). We're not buying new napkins, we're reusing old ones & thereby REDUCING what comes into the house. They got a big kick out of figuring out that one of the napkins was, once upon a time, one of Tristan's cloth diapers - but was now tie-dyed and cleaned and perfect for kitchen life.
The sadness was now gone from their eyes. I told them to always remember the "three R's": Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle. I asked Tristan if he was an Earth Helper, and he sweetly replied "yes", Shannon began bouncing in his chair proclaiming that he was an Earth Helper too.
Their future, as far as the Earth and the balance of nature goes, is far from certain. But at least today they learned to have hope, that there are things you can do. And I learned that even a 5 year old can get weighed down and crushed by the horror of it all, so it is important to find ways to remain positive, to acknowledge the bad, to do whatever you can to make things right, but also to remember the positive that you are already doing, and to be happy in that.
I don't think I can bear to see sadness like that in those eyes again.