Thursday, February 24, 2011

Lost & Broken ..

My world is shattered and broken
into a million little pieces.
Life still goes on
from day to day progressing
and yet
I am lost.

There aren't many people I truly look up at and admire. I mean, truly from the depth of my being look up to with respect and admiration. My grandparents were among the people that I did look up to like that though.
On Monday February 7th my grandfather, Dandaddy, was found by his housekeeper. Sometime late Saturday night (the 5th) he had gotten up, gone into his bathroom, and killed himself. My mother called Justin who came home and broke the news to me. I rushed over to his house, where my Mom and other family members were, while Justin stayed at home and watched the kids.
I actually admire him for ending his life. My grandmother, Baba, died of Alzheimer's. It took her so many years before she finally died, many years where she just laid there a shell of her former self. My step-grandmother, Evelyn, died of cancer. Thankfully that went quickly. Then my Uncle Jimmy, the oldest of the siblings, passed away last Fall due to a form of dementia that (I think) developed into Alzheimer's. No man should have to bury so many loved ones. No man should have to bury his own child.
Dandaddy was lonely. He had lived a full life, come to terms with death and was ready to die. That much he said a couple years back and had repeated a couple times since. His body was beginning to fail him though his mind was sharp. I can't begin to image how awful it must be to come to that point where you are at peace with death but yet have to continue to live on for years as your body begins to fail you, yet your mind remains sharp.
So I admire him for the strength and courage he showed. I know he wasn't sad when he did it, I know he was likely angry at his body for failing him. I admire his courage to say "fuck it" and do what he did.
But to say I am lost is beyond words. I am lost without his smile. His hugs. The number one priority in his life was family and I am simply lost now.

Since his death things have headed downhill some. Justin's grandfather has leukemia. I don't know many details but I know he's in pain. And my heart breaks all over again.

There are other things too, but suddenly it feels inappropriate to write about them here. As much as they hurt me, to compare them to family is nonsensical.

My mind is full of questions
and my heart is full of pain.
I am not certain where my path is headed
or even where my next step is.
Broken and lost I will carry on
until ...

Until when?
When the path becomes clear once again?
When the fog lifts?
When the happiness of today
replaces the sorry of yesterday?
When a Spirit comes to guide me through
the briars and thorns and
back to the meadow?

I don't know.
Maybe just UNTIL.


Elena said...

Carrie, I am truly sorry for your loss. There really aren't any words I can say to mend your broken heart other than I hope you find peace from within. Stay strong, your boys need you...

Carrie and Justin said...

Thank you Elena. This facade of being strong is what is strange. And yet, having been at points like this before in my life, I know that though I feel like inside will crumble away till nothing is left .. that isn't the case. There is a rod of steel there that can't be broken. It is hidden, at least to me, but it is there.