Conversations with Sam Elliott

We all seek guidance from time to time, and it is well acknowledged that the devine is within us. I'm not sure who you talk to when you talk to the devine, but I'm usually talking to Sam Elliott. Don't ask me why, I'm not really sure. It's just that he was really, really hot in Roadhouse and he seems pretty wise in general, and has a wonderfully soothing voice.

Me - Dear Sam Elliott, I'm really feeling lost today.

Sam Elliott - Why are you addressing me? You aren't writing a letter. I'm right here, just talk. It's no wonder you're lost if you can't tell whether or not you are talking or writing.

Me - True. But, technically I am writing this all down ...

Sam Elliott - Well, go on then darling.

Me - I am feeling lost today. I need to go to the grocery store but I am worried about how much I will end up spending.

Sam Elliott - You're bothering me for this?

Me - Well, I am concerned about money! That's a fair concern to have. I mean how am I ..

Sam Elliott, cutting me off - Hey hey hey now. Have you looked around lately? Have you seen how many other people are hurtin'? Don't you think you have it pretty good comparatively speakin'?

Me - True. You're right, I do have it pretty good.

Sam Elliott - So, why are you workin' yourself up in a fit about this?

Me - I just wish I could do more. I wish I could contribute more.

Sam Elliott - Justin would say that if you want to contribute more you should offer to have sex more frequently...

Me - Hey!! We're not talking about Justin here. We're talking about me.

Sam Elliott - Just sayin'..

Me - Yea, well, who's side are you on?

Sam Elliott - Sex is always good, I don't mind being on either side. You should try that more often.

Me - What? You do know people are going to read this don't you? I mean, geez, my mom might read this!

Sam Elliott - Are you trying to say your mom doesn't like sex?

Me - No, she does. Wait, why am I talking with you about my mother and sex?!!? I'm trying to talk to you about money.

Sam Elliott - Sex & money ... those two conversations have always gone hand in hand together.

Me - Quit it! Sam Elliott - Just sayin' ..

Ok - so apparently Sam Elliott is just being a silly pervert today. Do any of y'all have these problems when trying to have a serious conversations with your inner-divineness?

Sam Elliott - Don't call me your "inner-divineness" please, that sounds a little too girly for my tastes.

Me - Ok ... fine. What do you want me to call you?

Sam Elliott - Stick with 'Sam Elliott' I don't think we're close enough yet for anything else.

Me - Really?

Sam Elliott - Yea, you gotta earn it.

Me - *sigh* fine.

Sam Elliott - Don't worry darling, it's almost Friday.

Me - And that means what to me?

Sam Elliott - I don't know. You can always watch 'Roadhouse' again and see if that helps.

Doom Spiral Conversation

Have you ever woken up with that feeling of impending doom? I know you have, we all have ... right? And you wonder what's going on. What is making you feel this way? So you sit there and ponder it with yourself. Here is how that conversation with yourself might go, or at least how mine is going today:


Wake up full of sadness.

*Well, you did drink last night.*

Yea, maybe that's it. Did I do something stupid?

*I don't think so. But then again, I was drinking too.*

Well, what did I do? Did I say things I shouldn't have?

*Hmm .. you were telling stories from the past. But I'm pretty sure they were funny, so I think you're all good there.*

I probably shouldn't have driven.

*Yea, that part's true. Lucky thing you drink close to home and you weren't really THAT drunk, just a little tipsy drunk. Still though .. no excuse .. shame on you for that one. You're gonna have to just acknowledge it, feel bad about it, be glad nothing bad happened and promise not to do it again.*

Agreed. I promise. Maybe I'm getting older and feeling more responsible.

*Yea, you are old now.*

Shut up, you're not helping.
So .. what else is wrong?? Why the doom?

*Ummm ... it's raining? Don't rainy days make people feel full of doom?*

Not me though, I like the rain.

*Maybe a flood is comin'. Better check on the cows*

Ok, now you're just off your rocker!
I wish Justin had stayed home from work today. Maybe the impending doom is my subconscious knowing he's going to get in a wreck or something.

*Don't say that!! You know he'll be fine. Your subconscious is full of shit.*

You're my subconscious.

*Um .. yea. I meant the other subconscious. You know, like the cartoons, one on each shoulder saying different things.*

So, now I have two of you??

*Quit bugging me, we're trying to figure out the doom. Maybe you're having a heart attack.*

WHAT?!?! OH MY GOD, 'feelings of impending doom' IS A SIGN OF HEART ATTACKS IN WOMEN!!!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS EARLIER???????

*Wait, don't freak out yet, you'll just give yourself a heart attack.*

DUDE, that is SO NOT FUNNY!!

*(giggles)*

Quit it!! I might be dying!! Wait ... I saw that Nicole Kidman movie. What the hell was it? 'The Others' maybe?? You know, where they're living their life and in the end it turns out they have been dead all along and just not known it. She killed her kids and everything!

*What? But you didn't kill your kids.*

Yea, but she didn't know that either. Dead people never seem to know they're dead. Haven't you been watching these movies with me?? You're my subconscious!! Aren't you obligated to be there??

*It's not in my contract.*

But in ALL the movies ..... wait .... you have a contract??

*Don't go there. And lay off the thing about the movies. You're just going to give yourself a panic attack and that's going to lead to a heart attack and then you WILL be dead and not even know it!*

Ha, who's crazy now??

*Have you looked up the symptoms for heart attacks in women?*

You know I have!! Why is EVERYTHING a possible symptom for a heart attack in women?!!? Impending doom? Check. Anxiety? Check. Got your period? Check.

*You don't have your period.*

I know, but it's still like a possible heart attack symptom!!

*Now you're just being silly. I think it's that Valium I slipped you.*

You're slipping me Valium now???

*Well, someone needed to. Hell, look at the stuff you're blogging right now.*

Fair enough. Thanks then I guess.

*You're welcome.*
*Hey, Ellie mentioned it might be the robot thing she posted on Facebook the other day. You are pretty scared of robots...*

Impending doom caused by robots?? Sounds plausible. I think I'll run with that.

*I think you should quit this blog post now. People are going to start thinking you're crazy*

You already know that they do.

*True. But still .. knock it off*

Ok.


~And there you go. The doom spiral conversation. You DO have these with yourself .. right???