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Monday, January 3, 2011

Tales of the Sleepy Husband

PROLOGUE

(warning: for those faint of ear or delicate in nature, you may not want to read these stories)

My darling husband has a very well-known reputation for passing out. Hard. This doesn't just occur when he's been drinking either, though it is true that the most notorious of tales to come to pass after a night of imbibing various concoctions.
We began our journey together as good friends. Immediately very close, Justin would often crash at my place 5 nights out of the week, either on the couch or in the second bedroom. Spending so much time with him allowed me to learn his mannerisms better than anyone else. It allowed my a chance to get to know how to deal with him when he passed out.

Lest you think I am by nature mean and evil, out to take advantage of a poor passed out fellow, let me give a little more detail. When Justin begins nodding off his eyes will close and his head will bob. He will suddenly jerk back to life and say something random with great emphasis. Which if you know Justin you will know is a sign of something as he is normally a quiet chap.
Once he is out, you can have your way with him.

When we were just friends the most I would ever do during these nodding off times was remove his keys from his pockets. We had a deal: if I could get his keys out of his pants pockets then he would admit he was too drunk to drive. *Safety First Y'all*

When we became a couple it became more of an issue to me to try and make sure he made it to bed. Why not let him just stay where he lay?? Well, he also had a little habit of getting up, wandering to another room, and .. well .. taking a piss. This is something that is rather humorous when you're not in a relationship with the person, but when you are and you are faced with having to clean up the mess .. well, a little bit of the humor tends to fade away. (In all fairness to him, it has been many years since he has done this, and it didn't happen all that often. But a couple times can still be a couple times too many)
He also was known to wake up and decide that he needed another drink or worse, that he was hungry. Bowls and plates of random foods would await me in the morning: ranch dip & veggies left out, cheese balls and chili, random Mexican-esque food concoctions (which sadly resemble what you might buy at most Mexican-esque restaurants), a pot of mac & cheese on the stove, or just noodles, cooked & forgotten about.
Getting him to bed was just much easier.
So, I would approach his passed-out ass and try to wake him to go to bed.

"Honey" I would nudge him gently.

No response.

"Justin, you've passed out, it's bed time." I would nudge him some more.

No response.

"JUSTIN!!!"

No response.

"JUSTIN, WAKE-UP DAMMIT!!!" I am yelling and shaking him.

No response.

I hold his nose shut. His mouth drops open .. he has out-smarted me. I give him a wet willy.


"I'm NOT passed out!!"

He wakes up and yells at me that he is NOT passed out.

Cuddled up

And then promptly passes back out on the couch with the dog.

To wake him up, and I swear I really tried everything else first, I have to slap him as hard as I can across the face. I swear that this is the only way to get him to even BEGIN waking up enough to go to bed. I have witnesses to this fact. Several.

Once he gets to bed he often talks. Randomly. Very randomly. Back when we were just friends I walked out into the living room late one night/early one morning. He was passed out on the couch. I heard him giggling. And I mean school-girl giggling. In his sleep. Suddenly he said "pussy" and then began giggling like a little school-girl again, and then fell back into his deep slumber.

And so this is how the Tales of the Sleepy Husband have come to pass. When you see photos of him dick-faced (drawn on) know that rules apply: 1)he didn't go to bed, 2)I gave him warnings that he was falling asleep and needed to go to bed or else would be dick-faced, & 3)he didn't go to bed.
Mostly though these will be tales of the random things that come falling out of his mouth. I've taken to keeping a notebook and pen beside the bed for just these moments. Much to his dismay I've also taken to video taping some of these ... but for now I will likely be kind enough to not share those.

This will be an ongoing series of tales until someone pays me mightily to put them all together in a book.

1 comment:

wade said...

this was halarious, not just because justin seems so quiet normally but i go through the same things with wade!hahaha, theres nothing more entertaining than having a random conversation with your significant other while they are passed out.